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By William Dameron
Oct. 15, 2013 12:01 a.m.

Introduction: We live in a political world. Politics is what (much of the time) keeps us from shooting each other. But, you and I have been stuck in a complicated world, and our little mostly unused brains are pretty much unable to cope with it. You're like a Volkswagen Beetle trying to keep up with traffic on Interstate 70.

What to do? Join (or become totally sympathetic) to a political party. For all practical purposes, there are only two: Democrats and Republicans.

Once you become a Democrat or a Republican, you will no longer have to think about politics. You will buy into the beliefs of your party, and you will dogmatically (like an automatic dog) reject any and all evidence that your party doesn't know s*** from shinola. Being a party member is like being religious: you have faith. You are told what to think from above. You are trying to do good in the world, and that makes you a good person.

Rules for the party member:

1. First, you must choose a party. If you're Black or Hispanic (especially illegal), you don't even have to think, you choose the Democrats. If you want the Government to take care of you and stick its nose into every aspect of your life, choose the Democrats. For no known reason, you probably choose the Democrats if you're Catholic or Jewish. If all your friends are Democrats, you probably choose the Democrat Party. The previous groups total about 95 per cent of the people.

However, about 60 per cent of people are conservative. They usually choose the Republican Party. The ideals of having opportunity to become successful, living in a good economy, and be responsible for their actions are actually appealing to some. If you're conservative, choose the Republican Party.

Note that I've given the mathematical basis for the roughly even split between Democrats and Republicans.

Of course, if you can't make up your mind, you remain independent. That probably means you need the government to take care of you and make your decisions, which means you should have chosen the Democrat Party.

2. Party members must not listen to the other side. Not ever. There are all sorts of facts out there that prove your party is dead wrong about everything. For you, such evidence should go in one head and out the other. There are facts that show up in the news, in television discussions, and in newspapers. People around you will express opinions contrary to what your party wants you to believe. They speak only words, which is really just verbal noise. You must totally ignore it, while smiling and pretending to be totally objective.

Obamacare is a perfect example of not listening to the other party. It was written by one party (Democrats) who accepted no ideas from the other party. It was passed into law by them (Democrats) without a single vote from the other party, and will go into effect in spite of the other party's efforts to stop it. Anything that goes wrong with it is obviously the fault of the other party (Republicans).

3. All the problems we have were caused by the other party. Nuff said.

4. When someone from the other party criticizes your party or something your party cares about, become a motor-mouth. If you talk fast enough and throw in enough lies and irrelevancies per second, the other party's words can't penetrate into your skull. For a perfect example, watch the new show, Crossfire, on CNN. See how the Democrat guest answers Newt Gingrich's questions, and you'll know how effective a motor-mouth can be at stopping all rational discussion of a sensitive issue.

5. Vote for the candidate of your party, no matter how stupid, incompetent, or unqualified he or she is. Vote to reelect him or her, even though the economy is tanking, you're going to lose your job because of his or her actions (or lack of actions), or your hours are going to be cut to 29 so they don't have to give you benefits. This rule is especially applicable and important if you've chosen to be a Democrat.

6. Ignore your party's constant demands for money. Donate a small sum once a year, that should keep them happy. Throw all the stuff they send you in the trash without reading it.

That's all there is to being a party member. You too can stop having to do all that painful thinking about issues. Join a political party, follow the rules above, and be happy.

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