Butler County Times Gazette
  • The Guy’s Perspective: Am I too nice?

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  • I was just curious about the term “nice.” Is it possible that girls can be too nice to actually be approached, or too nice to date and have a relationship with? Are nice girls only marriage material and not girlfriend material? I am 21 years old and a college senior. I was hoping that college would be a time for me to be more social, find friends, maybe even have a boyfriend. However, needless to say, I have never had a boyfriend, or even a guy friend. I am not quite sure why. I am not unattractive, I dress well, I have a wide range of interests, I enjoy a good conversation and I’ve traveled the world, yet I can be shy sometimes around guys. I recently met a guy at work who I kind of liked. He mentioned he liked pies, so I started baking some pies and pastries for him. But he never asked me out. Am I just meeting the wrong guys or is there something wrong with me?
    Alyssa
    Dear Alyssa,
    Thanks for your question.
    Being nice is a good thing. It’s certainly much better than the alternative. So I don’t recommend some sort of rebellion against being nice. Stay the way you are. However, the term nice doesn’t always mean nice. It can actually mean many different things depending on the context. In the dating context, if a guy says you are nice what he’s really saying is he sees you as someone he could be friends with, but not necessarily someone he’d like to date. Pardon the pun, but it’s a nice way of letting someone know they’re not interested.
    But I still say don’t change who you are. If you are nice, stay nice. The right kind of guy will appreciate that, you just haven’t met him yet. (And yes, you are definitely girlfriend material.) But having said that, also, please don’t go overboard. Let’s take your pie baking for example. That seems a bit over the top. Almost too nice. I’d suggest dialing that impulse back a little when you first meet someone because guys like a bit of a challenge, a chase. If you come on too strong and start doing things for them right away they might see you as a pushover, someone they can take advantage of. (Sounds like this is already happening a bit.) I would suggest you wait until you’re actually dating a guy before you start offering to “help” him.
    Bottom line: You sound like a sweet person. Don’t change. Don’t let your frustrations make you bitter. You’re meeting the wrong guys right now. Or, you’re looking for the wrong type of guy. Think about what you enjoy and look to meet guys who are doing those sorts of things, not guys who you just happen to work with. Also, see if your friends know some nice guys, maybe even your family. (Yes, your parents even. You might be surprised.)
    Page 2 of 2 - Good luck,
    Saelen
    Saelen Ghose is the head writer for The Guy’s Perspective, a popular relationship blog and website. Over the course of his tenure he has responded to thousands of relationship questions, and while he hasn’t solved every problem, he has provided a thoughtful perspective on every question received. If you have a relationship question of your own, please email tgpadvice@gmail.com. Saelen will do his best to answer your question. Please limit your question to 200 words or less. For more from The Guy’s Perspective, visit www.theguysperspective.com.
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