Butler County Times Gazette
  • Kent Bush: 7 Habits of Highly Secessional People

  • At last count, 35 states have filed petitions to secede from the union.
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  • Many people are having a hard time dealing with the re-election of President Barack Obama.
    At last count, 35 states have filed petitions to secede from the union.
    I don't think all of those signing these petitions long for the fun-loving days of the American Civil War, but the petitions exist as though they do.
    Of course it is a ridiculous reaction to Obama winning a second term.
    Of course it is ludicrous and if any of these people had to face the reality of the consequences that the actions they claim to support would result in, they would erase their names immediately.
    Of course it is extremist. But in today's world, extremist and expected are synonymous.
    I think these ultra-conservative groups should keep up the good work. After all, it is never too early to begin losing the 2016 election.
    With that in mind, I wanted to help the cause. If you haven't signed one of these petitions yet, you should. In homage to the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" book by Stephen Covey, I thought I would write a self-help column for those of you who should be signing a petition but haven't found the motivation yet.
    1) Go to bed early. Going to bed early insures that you won't watch the news at night. Sure, you can switch over to Wheel of Fortune to miss the 6 p.m. newscast, but how many episodes of Duck Dynasty can you watch? You have to take the necessary precautions. This way your views aren't accidentally affected by the liberal mainstream media and the "news" they report. FOX News and AM radio is all a person needs to be informed about what is wrong with our country and why we should secede from it.
    2) Redefine socialism. President Barack Obama wants to "redistribute your wealth" in the same way Ronald Reagan did and every other President for that matter. But Obama is doing it in a socialist way. Obama's version of national healthcare also has to be socialist. Of course, most western Democracies have a version of national healthcare and the American style is really just requiring private health insurance with limited government intrusion into the healthcare system, but it is obviously socialist. Everything is socialist if you get right down to it.
    3) Say something is like Hitler. Actually nothing ever has been or will be like Adolph Hitler and his gory reign in Germany leading up to and during WWII. But saying something is "like Hitler" is a great way to show someone you are serious about not liking something. The phrase "like Hitler" just means "bad" in common parlance. So saying Obama's administration is "like Hitler" and the way Jerry Jones runs the Dallas Cowboys is "like Hitler" in the same conversation is totally acceptable.
    Page 2 of 3 - 4) Learn Photoshop. This will help when it comes time to edit photos of Obama to include text like "Spread Your Wealth Around" or "The Obammunist Manifesto" or maybe put Obama in a sleeveless tee shirt with a "come on baby, give me one more chance" line or put the Grim Reaper on a photo with a catchy phrase about Obamacare. You can't share any of these pithy pics with your friends on social media platforms without Photoshop. Get busy!
    5) Start hoarding commodities. When the end of the world comes, you can never have too many guns, knives, canned goods or lanterns. If you need more space to store away supplies for the coming apocalypse, perhaps you could dig a new cellar. Make sure it is big enough for your supplies and your family. And remember, cannibalism is the last resort. Don't play that card too quickly. Trust me.
    6) Start a militia. Militias are the best excuse ever to own guns and camp out. Plus, you're going to need one. Do you honestly think that if Missouri secedes, there aren't five adjacent states that will try to take them over? Kansas and Arkansas have been jealous of Branson for generations and now those states would have a legitimate chance to own it.
    7) Modify your vocabulary. Look, secessionists only do things for three reasons; liberty, freedom or independence. You eat, sleep and breathe because you love your freedom, liberty and independence. If you are doing anything for any reason other than these, stop doing it and go sign the secession petition again.
    Please understand that I know that not everyone who voted against Obama behaves in this way. In fact, most are proud to be Americans even when most Americans disagree with them.
    Even Erick Erickson – the founder of RedState who is so conservative that he just uses the same name twice – recently said, "We here at RedState are American citizens. We have no plans to secede from the union. If you do, good luck with that, but this is not the place for you."
    There isn't anything wrong with being upset when your side loses in an election. That is normal and something would be wrong if you voted for people you didn't believe in.
    However, what you really love about this country is the fact that we do elect our leaders and about half of us are going to be disappointed every four years.
    I understand when an election serves as a call to action. But signing a petition to secede from the greatest country in the world is the most extreme example of acting against your own self-interest that could possibly exist.
    It is time to find a positive outlet for this emotion and leave the Muslim, birth certificate, and socialist rhetoric in the past.
    Page 3 of 3 - Kent Bush is the Augusta Gazette Publisher. He can be contacted at publisher@augustagazette.com.
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